Solitude
by Grinning Purple Cheshire Cat
Summary: I may continue this, I may not. Haven't decided yet.


*~ Dedicated to the one and only Travis ~*  
  
*  
  
*  
  
Caitie barely made it into the bathroom before the tears came.  
  
Locking herself in the nearest stall, she sat down on the toilet seat lid, took off her red graduation cap, and cried.  
  
It was her high school graduation. She had survived, no matter how injust the school system was. She should be happy.  
  
Needless to say, she wasn't. She couldn't be. Not after what she just heard.  
  
*  
  
"How many times have you told me you love her?  
As many times as I wanted to tell you the truth"  
  
*  
  
The cerimony had been great. She had gotten her diploma. It had been a wonderful, exciting experience she had faced carefree and confidently. But afterwards...  
  
She remembered seeing her best friend, Jamie Waite, running towards her, grinning from ear to ear. She had smiled back, breathless from the exhilleration of it all. She thought he had come to congratulate her, and was ready to say the same thing. But he said he had even better news.  
  
After the graduation cerimony, he had asked his seven month girlfriend, Brianne Hartman, to marry him.  
  
And she had said yes.  
  
*  
  
"How long have I stood here beside you?"  
  
*  
  
She remembered his announcement had felt like a slap in the face. Her breath caught in her throat and she involuntarily took a step backwards.  
  
But Jamie was her very best friend. She couldn't show him any other emotion except cheerful happiness. She forced a smile and hugged him, telling him how happy she was for him.  
  
He thanked her and went off to tell his other friends, Kenny, Jake, and Brian, the good news.  
  
*  
  
"I lived through you  
You looked through me"  
  
*  
  
Watching him disappear into the crowd, a wave of nausea crept over her. Nobody paid any attention to the fleeing girl as, choking back tears, she ran into the school building and into the girl's bathroom.  
  
Jamie was getting married. Even though that sentence kept repeating itself over and over again in her mind, she still found it impossible to believe.  
  
*  
  
"Ooh, solitude  
Still with me is only you  
Ooh, solitude  
I can't stay away from you"  
  
*  
  
Now, more than ever, she regretted her mistake.  
  
Not telling Jamie the truth. About her feelings.  
  
For him.  
  
She just...never found the right time. And then he and one of her other friends, Brianne, got together. Caitie had thought it would only be a short fling (or hoped, was more like it), and that they would soon decide friendship was better. But then this went on for seven excruciatingly long months...and now THIS...  
  
*  
  
"How many times have I done this to myself?  
How long will it take before I see?"  
  
*  
  
"Why?" She sobbed alloud to herself. "Caitie, you KNOW better than to fall for your best friend! Damn it!" She grabbed a handful of her dark hair and puleld slightly, out of frustration, while her fist banged itself against the smooth metal wall beside her.  
  
*  
  
"When will this hole in my heart be mended?  
Who else is left alone but me?"  
  
*  
  
"You're just going to have to get over him," she said firmly, as if it really were that simple. "That's the only thing you can do now. Face it. Jamie found his special someone. And it's not you."  
  
This realization brought a whole new wave of tears over her, which streamed down her cheeks and splattered on the red satin of her graduation robes, leaving behind speckles of a deep burgandy where they had fallen.  
  
*  
  
"Ooh, solitude  
Forever me and forever you  
Ooh, solitude  
Only you, only true"  
  
*  
  
She had never before felt so lonely, so forgotten or overlooked.  
  
She loved Jamie! She couldn't get over him! Not when every single thing around her reminded her of him! Things they did together, things they talked about, his annoying yet loveable habits...she would never forget them. They would always be there, haunting her, mocking her...  
  
She couldn't hide. She couldn't even run.  
  
*  
  
"Everyone leaves me stranded  
Forgotten, abandoned  
Left behind"  
  
*  
  
Her mind flashed back about a yea ago. Val, who used to be her best friend, had the same dreamy expression on her face as Jamie did, as she told Caitie what had happened the night before. Tyler, her boyfriend had proposed.  
  
Caitie remembered feeling just as excited as Val must have been. Indeed, she was truely happy for her. Of course, she didn't know what would happen.  
  
Val started spending more and more time with Tyler, and when she wasn't with him, she was hanging around with her bubble-headed popular cheerleader friends.  
  
Before she knew it, her closest comrad, the closest thing to a sister she had ever had, hardly spoke to her anymore. They just went their separate ways and there was nothing she could do about it.  
  
But no matter what, this would not happen to her and Jamie. She wouldn't LET it happen. She cared for him far too much for that.  
  
*  
  
"I can't stay here another night"  
  
*  
  
Seeing Jamie with another girl, one of her friends no less, was almost more than she could bear.  
  
Jamie invited her to hang out with them quite often, but Caitie often refused. She didn't want to feel like the third wheel, and seeing them hugging and kissing, always holding hands and looking genuinely cute together hurt her more than she could ever show.  
  
The pain was almost enough to tempt her mind towards suicide...but, as far as she knew, Jamie still cared for her as a friend, and he would most likely feel sad if she killed herself.  
  
And sorrow was the last thing she wanted him to feel. He had done nothing wrong. He had only fallen in love; something that can't be helped sometimes.  
  
She, of all people, should know all about that.  
  
*  
  
"Your secret admirer  
Who could it be?"  
  
*  
  
She often day dreamed about him, wondering what it would be like if they shared the same feelings for eachother. At times she even found herself whispering 'I love you' to herself, imagining she had finally gotten up enough nerve to tell him how she felst, and he accepted her with open arms.  
  
But dreams can never replace reality.  
  
Sad but true, even here.  
  
*  
  
"Ooh, can't you see?  
All along it was me  
How can you be so blind  
As to see right through me?"  
  
*  
  
She had been friends with Jamie since the second grade. She remembered the day they first met as clear as a bell, as though it had happened yesterday. She was being teased by two other boys, and Jamie came out of nowhere to stand up for her.  
  
They became friends after that, and before Caitie knew it, she had developed a soft fondness for him. As they grew, so did her crush on him, until it was almost too big to contain inside of her anymore. But she managed. She suffered, but she somehow was able to control herself and her secret was never told.  
  
Though maybe that really wasn't such a good thing.  
  
*  
  
"Ooh, solitude  
Still with me is only you  
Ooh, solitude  
I can't stay away from you"  
  
*  
  
Her whole teen-aged years had been spent alone. She had never found herself a boyfriend and rarely went on dates. She wanted to keep herself free, wanted to make sure she was always availible, just in case that certain someone would finally look her way.  
  
But it was all in vain. He never did notice her. Dispite how much she hoped, wished, and prayed, he never did.  
  
"And now look at me!" She sobbed bitterly, getting up and leaving the shelter of the cold, metal stall. She stared at her reflection in the mirror. Her hair was disheveled, and her make-up smudged, ruined by her salty tears that left long streaks of black down her cheeks where her mascara had run.  
  
"I'm hiddeous," she turned away disgustedly.  
  
*  
  
"Ooh, solitude  
Forever me and forever you  
Ooh, solitude  
Only you, only true"  
  
*  
  
"I shouldn't have lived my entire life for Jamie...It should have been obvious our friendship wasn't going to go any further than it already was. I don't know what I was thinking...No, I wasn't thinking.  
  
I need to move on. I need to find someone better than him, someone who'll like me for me..."  
  
She chanced another glance in the mirror. "But what guy in thier right mind would ever take me? Not looking like this... I SHOULD have told him, I SHOULD have been open and honest. He probably would have asked me to be his girlfriend. Yeah, he would have, but no, you waited too long and he foudn someone else. Face it, Caitie. You screwed up."  
  
She continued scolding herself until her verbal abuse pushed her into another bout of sobs.  
  
Solitude was the only thing there for her, the only thing she could always count on. She had somehow managed to "make friends" with her loneliness, or at least had grown accustom to it, so that it didn't bother her so much when she didn't dwell on it. If she could just hold out until she found her soul mate...she would survive.  
  
But until that, she would have to be a good friend to Jamie. She would have to be there for him, ahve to be happy for him. He was engaged. She couldn't bring him down, and she shouldn't keep dragging herself down as well, crying over an unatainable guy.  
  
She needed to move on.  
  
In time, she would learn to get over Jamie. All she had to do was wait.  
  
Indeed, that's all she could do.  
  
*  
  
*  
  
*  
  
A/N: I love this song. It's the story of my life. If my life had a soundtrack, I guarentee you it would be all Evanescence songs. So me, obsessing over it, I decided to put a short little ficlet to it. Nothing special. A tad bit depressing. And maybe I could have done better on the ending. But oh well. And sorry uploading HTML files still doesn't work on my computer. So italics still won't work. Grr. 


End file.
